First Post (and probably The Last)

I feel a bit stupid making this right now and I honestly don't know why I am. Simply logging onto this website and looking at my profile picture, user name (no one has called me "Meeka" since year 8) and bits about me is honestly a bit scary.

I am becoming weirdly nostalgic of being in year 7 and living the idyllic lifestyle of being a child in a big school trying to discover her personality. I'm 17 now and I fluctuate between absolutely loving and absolutely hating who I am. I feel that for the past three years my life has been a conquest to suddenly transform myself into alpha-Vamika. An ultra-productive, healthy and balanced teenager who people respect. Right now, I'm afraid, I'm pretty much the opposite. Just yesterday, I stayed up the whole night before (online) school due to the sudden urge to down a mug of coffee, did copious amounts of physics work whilst my heart sped like a train thumping against the tracks. And I loved it. I now understand the photoelectric effect and made it through ten minutes of my next physics lesson at 9am before feeling completely lost again. But still, ten minutes! I call that a win. I then proceeded to knock out on my mattress at lunchtime, wake up in shock at 3pm and join my fifth period physics class parading "WiFi issues". I have no doubt in my mind that the teacher saw right through the whole facade. WiFi issues for half an hour and I didn't think once to use the hotspot from my phone? But, hey, we're in the midst of a global pandemic; he doesn't care.

The coffee came right after a series of unfortunate events in an afternoon that made me positively break down. It was Wednesday A week: a day of relaxation. Someone in administration obviously gave up decided to give me four free periods accompanied by an afternoon of PE which, to me, translates into: Inset Day! I woke up at 11pm and spent the day peacefully doing nothing productive until. at 4:15pm, I was greeted to copious messages on my phone and the realisation that I had missed a group Teams chat with my friends. After joining I was asked what I had done that day. I am a relaxed girl, I keep it real. I monologued my affairs which involved only reading the obituary of a very eccentric mathematician. In came flooding in the lectures about productivity, the cries of "how do you do four A-Levels?!", the daily routines of people who seem to want to shove their perfect lifestyles down my throat. All done in a friendly, joking way of course because that makes it better (!) Flustered, I waited for the whole ordeal to come to an end and joined in with messing with our video backgrounds. I was really frustrated with myself for wasting a whole day, but also frustrated with my friends who ridiculed me for something that honestly seems quite natural.

Then I went downstairs and was greeted by my sister showing me the FaceBook profile of a girl aspiring to study Mathematics at university too. Or should I call it a resume? If perfection was a person, they would look up to her. All 9s in her GCSEs, music and academic scholarship to private school, Grade 8 Distinction in Piano (in year 9, as opposed to my year 10) and a searing passion for maths that led her to creating a blog for aspiring female mathematicians. Her first post? An award-winning essay she wrote on types of maths I've never even heard of. Note to self - find out what topology is. And of course a gold award on the Senior Maths Challenge accompanies with Best in Year and Best in School.

Both of these factors culminated in me realising I am not good enough to study Mathematics at Oxford University. There are undoubtedly 100 versions of her hidden around the country ready to snatch up the places. And I am angry because? Because she worked harder than me? Because she has a stronger passion than me? I am afraid to say the answer is probably yes, as unreasonable as it is. I am also greatly annoyed at myself for choosing this subject. Why couldn't I have been given a deep-rooted passion for Chemistry instead? After a lot of pacing and silent crying and TheStudentRoom browsing I downed the coffee and experienced the most productivity I have in a long time. But I also barely paid attention in my lessons the following day and today (a real Inset Day) I can honestly say I have achieved nothing.

I have several courses and books and puzzles and worksheets to get through over the next few months to make myself feel a bit better about the whole process. I also have a real addiction. to YouTube, Twitter and Snapchat that I need to get over ASAP. Will I ever accomplish either of these things? I cannot be certain but I know I need to try. Harder. But tonight I am setting an alarm to wake up a lot earlier than I am probably capable of. Let's see if I can at least do that.